Her frustration shows as she begins to criticize him and he fights back with defensiveness. Pursuers perceive the distanced individuals to be self-reliant, confident, and calm. According to experts, the most common reason couples divorce is because of a pursuer-distancer pattern that develops over time. This can bring out the pursuer behavior in you and turn you into a desperate, clingy, nagging person that you don't even recognize. They tend to feel anxious that their beloved doesnt love them enough and are worried about their. If this pattern isnt reversed, both partners will begin to feel criticized and contempt for each other two of the major warning signs that their marriage is doomed to fail, according to Dr. Gottman. Pursuers often look like romantics. He also needs to help Sabra understand that he needs space to respond when she shares painful news, even if she prefers him to stay mute. When the pattern of pursuing and distancing becomes ingrained, the behavior of one partner provokes and maintains the behavior of the other. As a pursuer, chances are that you may be too focused on your beloveds needs and solving their problems even without them asking for your help. She wants to feel less pressure, less judgment, and less anger. Are You the Pursuer or the Distancer in Your Relationship? Consider a conversation between newly married friends of mine, Alan and Sabra. Consider psychotherapy and couples counseling or even doing a course with your beloved to avoid this pattern altogether! In his classic Love Lab observations, he notes that this dynamic is extremely common and is a major contributor to marital break-down. The Dance of Pursuit and Distance (new) - DivorceBusting.com She is a contributor to Huffington Post, TheGoodMenProject, The Gottman Institute Blog, andMarriage.com. Pursuers need to give distancers emotional space, because they open up most freely when they aren't being pushed. 4. A choice to create feelings of fear and insecurity in her partner also sabotages her own chance for a rewarding relationship. The more the pursuer pursues, the more the distancer avoids or retreats. This can be done by saying things such as Id really appreciate it if youd cook dinner tonight since Im behind on projects at work and need to work late.. Pursuers and Distancers - John R. Ballew, M.S. Licensed Professional

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